Published Monthly

Even White Supremicists Get the Blues
June 2006

Many practices that were once standard in American culture have simply become outdated over time: the barter system, burning witches at the stake, polygamy, the Republican Party--the list could go on and on.

However, just because something’s outdated doesn’t mean that it’s lost its appeal (By the way, all you MySpace people out there, please take a moment to figure out the difference between “it’s” and “its.” One is a contraction for “it is” and the other is the possessive form. Now, try to use them correctly from here on out). Retro video games are still very popular, as is classic rock, and that’s great. Both of these things are excellent forms of entertainment.

But not every oldie is a goody, and there’s no finer example of that than the outdated and overrated practice of Ku Klux Klan membership.

Now, I know what most of you are thinking--that this archaic organization has long since gone the way of the Brachiosaur--but you couldn’t be more wrong. As a matter of fact, the KKK’s alive and well, and they’re even promoting themselves on the Internet. Go ahead. Do a Google search for “Ku Klux Klan” or “KKK.” You’d be surprised at what you’ll find (personally, I liked this line from the KKK home page: “Bringing a message of hope and deliverance to white Christian America! A message of love not hate!”).

No, you’ll find that the organization’s come a long way since their humble beginnings in Pulaski, Tennessee (home of the only Wal-Mart in Giles County). They’ve tried to tone down their image to make the organization more appealing to the youth of today and society at large. But before you decided to re-vamp your lifestyle by joining up with America’s favorite racially intolerant organization (no, I don’t mean the Cracker Barrel Corporation), there are some things you should know about being a Klansman. It’s not all bonfires and keggers, cross burnings and pie eating contests, or pajama parties and Toby Keith concerts. There are some serious drawbacks that you probably haven’t thought of.

I’ve compiled a partial list of reasons why the KKK really isn’t as appealing as they want you to think. If you are easily swayed by racist propaganda, you may want to pay extra special attention to all of this. It’d be a shame for you to go and sign up only to learn all of this the hard way.

We’ll start with the downsides to being a member of the organization, and then we’ll look at all the damage it’ll do to your social life.

First and foremost, have you ever really thought about the work that establishing a master race entails? I realize--and I think we’re splitting hairs here--that’s more of a Nazi term, but it still applies. The basic concept of creating an all-white culture is quite a lofty goal for a “social” organization to have. Most people are looking for ways to unwind after a long day at work. That’s why we have bowling leagues, and that’s why so many people rent/download porno and masturbate all weekend: people like to relax.

They don’t sell pre-made crosses, ready for you to burn in the yards of all those “pesky minority types” who are “ruining the American way of life.” While you can easily acquire all the supplies and building materials at any local lumberyard/hardware store, you’ve still got to hammer the cross together, drive it into the ground, and so forth. Then you have to douse it in some type of flammable liquid and light it. Now, I would imagine most of the time Klansmen use gasoline, as it’s easiest to come by in larger quantities (it would take a lot of lighter fluid to get a cross burning) that are still easily transportable. But as I’m sure you’ve all noticed, gas prices are pretty high (currently $3.32 a gallon at the station by my place), so there’s another hassle.

And imagine that you have erected your burning cross in the wrong yard, or what if the people you’re out to scare away aren’t home? Now look at the time and effort you’ve wasted. You can’t just put it out and re-use it somewhere later. Who’s going to take your hatred seriously if you’re recycling your burning cross?

Your other option on burning cross-placement, by the way, is out in the woods. If you do things that way, you are then faced with the additional task of dragging your “pesky minority type/victim” out into the woods. That would entail organizing a cross burning and an abduction (and at that point, you’d be thanking your lucky stars that lynching has fallen by the wayside at these little get-togethers).

Doesn’t joining a men’s softball league sound like a more appealing way to spend your weeknights? Let’s face it. That’s a lot of work to make sure your neighborhood is minority-free. Why don’t you just take the easy route and up and move to a gated neighborhood in the suburbs like every other latently racist person in America?

I completely glossed over another important part of the aforementioned activities: you’d have to perform the bulk of them while clothed in traditional Klan garb. I’m sure most of you are well aware of what Klansmen wear. For those of you who aren’t, they wear white robes with pointed white hoods that have eye holes cut in them (here’s a visual aide). Now, I’ve never worn a Klan hood, but I’ve worn Halloween masks, which I figure are kind of the same thing. From what I’ve gathered, Klan outfits are meant to resemble ghosts so as to scare the victims of their misguided angst. I keep going on tangents here, but I feel the costumes alone are proof that these people aren’t in touch with reality. They decided that the best way to scare other grown adults was by cutting holes in their bed sheets, which is the most well-known “I’m broke” Halloween costume ever conceived. People who get those plastic Casper the Friendly Ghost costumes from Wal-Mart look tougher than these people.

Anyway, now you’re adding the complication of trying to do carpentry and possibly abduction--not to mention sneaking around without being happened upon by local law enforcement officials--in giant white robes and hoods. This is simply making everything more difficult. How do you act nonchalant in Klan gear? Also, as any Boy Scout can tell you, you don’t want a lot of long, loose clothing around flammable liquids and open flames. You’re just asking for trouble, folks.

Aside from the clothing not being functional, it’s also not fashionable. I already touched on the fact that it’s not scary so what excuse do they have for dressing this way? I’ve heard that white is the new black, but I don’t believe it. Black is slimming. Long-flowing white robes, tied up with ropes for belts? Please, Versace is probably spinning in his grave over the whole thing. Most of these good ol’ boy racists already have an impressive beer gut. They should look into slimmer cuts and darker colors. It would also help them avoid detection by the police and their potential victims. There’s a reason ninjas wear black (aside from Storm Shadow, but really, what did the creators of G.I. Joe know about ninjas?).

It’s got to be a pain in the ass to keep your white robes clean when you’re running around the woods, building and burning things, and beating up minorities, all the while drinking moonshine and thinking about the next time you’re going to have sex with your sister and/or cousin. By swapping to darker colors, the money you’d save on bleach alone would be enough to buy another ten boxes of those microwavable corndogs you know you love so much.

But the point is, aside from the robes and hoods being unfashionable, they’re also dangerous. And guess what? The Klan doesn’t offer its members medical insurance. That’s right. For an organization so concerned with preserving the white race, you’d think they’d offer their members medical insurance so they’d remain healthy enough to keep the white race going.

So here’s what you’re looking at: strenuous labor, dangerous conditions and clothing, and no medical insurance whatsoever. No vision, no dental, no life insurance--nothing. The mob takes better care of its members than this.

Still not convinced that being a member of the KKK isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? Do you still have visions of all-white birthday parties and line dancing to classic David Allen Coe songs? Well, let’s see what being a tried and true Klansman means for your personal life.

First and foremost, where do you plan to live your life as a minority-hating bigot? Name a city that’s population is entirely white. You can’t do it. If you want to live in an all-white town, you’re either stuck on some religious zealot’s compound or in some hole in the wall place where there’s not even a stoplight.

Want to live near a beach? Tough luck. Southern California and Florida are full of Hispanic people. The only beach you might be able to inhabit would be somewhere along the Mississippi River in the middle of Mississippi where people still refer to African Americans as “colored folk” when they’re being polite and as the “n-word” when they’re not.

Have you ever been to Mississippi? I have. It’s not pleasant, especially during the summer when the temperature’s well over one hundred degrees and the humidity’s almost as high. Do you know why there aren’t a lot of minorities there? Because they’re smart enough to go somewhere nicer.

Don’t get me wrong, if you want to move there to show your dedication to the Klan cause, I’ll respect your dedication to the movement, but you’re still a moron.

Your other option? You can move to Nebrasklahoma or some other equally desolate state in the middle of the heartland, but you’re going to have trouble finding a decent local chapter of the Klan to join. Those people have never really seen anyone of a different race so they don’t even have a reason to have any malicious feelings toward them.

Along the same lines, where do you go on vacation as a dedicated Klansman? You can’t go anywhere nice or tropical. Jamaica’s awesome. Too bad you can’t go there. It’s teeming with black people. No good Klansman could go to Jamaica, or the Caribbean, or Hawaii, or Cancun, or anywhere else where you could run into buxom young co-eds going wild for the cameras (and don’t you just love it in the commercials when they say, “I’ve never done this before?” That’s my favorite part.).

You know where they get to go? That’s right! They get to go to Biloxi, Mississippi, and Branson, Missouri. That’s about the only places you can go where you won’t find a lot of black people hanging out.

I retract that statement. You can also go to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. That has nothing to do with Dolly Parton being a racist (as far as I know she isn’t). It’s just such a shitty vacation spot that no one wants to go. So you, your white wife/sister and kids can enjoy a white holiday, no matter what day of the year it is.

So aside from visiting Dollywood, what can you do to maintain your “master race” lifestyle? Well, you can keep breeding, but what do you do for fun, aside from the not-so-appealing-anymore adventures in cross burning we looked at earlier? Lots of people would say you could just kick back in your trailer and watch some TV. Maybe watch a football game or something like that. Sounds like a good time, right?

Well, you can’t really do that either. In this day and age, you’re going to have a hard time finding some white’s only entertainment on your television. You can’t even watch “classic” television. You want to watch I Love Lucy? She’s married to a Cuban man. The bulk of Nick at Nite’s programming stars black comedians (The Cosby Show and The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire). MC Hammer is making cameos on the Trinity Broadcast Network so you can’t watch overly made-up middle-aged women cry while they talk about how much they love Jesus.

You can’t even watch Star Trek. Not only is Uhuru black, but Captain Kirk is also out there gallivanting his way around the universe, boning every alien he comes across. I’m pretty sure that the Klan’s opposed to that, too. I’ve never seen any official documents on their part decreeing that having sex with green women with three eyes and pointed ears is wrong, but given their whole outlook on race mixing, I’m willing to bet it’s a no-no in their book.

And you certainly can’t watch the bulk of professional sports; you can’t even watch them on a collegiate level. You might be able to get away with them on a local level, but I’m sure you see where I’m going with this. A significant percentage of our nation’s best athletes are African-American.

Even the football teams of some of the greatest racist institutions of the last 100 years--the University of Alabama, for example--have black team members. Can you imagine how many Klansman cried the day that the National Guard forced Governor Wallace to allow African-Americans to attend the university?

So what activities are left for the Aryan sports fans of the world? Basketball, baseball and football are all out. Tiger Woods has ruined golf, which had to be very hard for them as well. Can you conceive of a whiter sport than golf? And now the top golfer in the land is not only black, he’s also Asian. Not only is he one of those “pesky minority types,” but he’s also of mixed race. That really has to get their blood boiling.

I suppose Klansmen could get into winter sports, but figure skating is out. Apparently, the KKK doesn’t like “the gays” either. To be honest, given that the bulk of the Klan’s remaining members live in the Deep South, I seriously doubt snowboarding will ever be something they’ll get into. It’s awfully hard to snowboard in Mississippi.

No, there’s only one sport that remains truly white: NASCAR. See, that explains why it’s so popular in the South, doesn’t it? While I respect the fact that professional drivers are dealing with one of the more deadly sports, it really doesn’t require a great deal of athletic prowess (in the standard sense of the word). You can be fat and still be a NASCAR driver. That really has to appeal to the racist good old boys and their Budweiser beer guts.

So there you have it. If you feel like spending your free nights doing hard labor in a ridiculous outfit, living in the armpit of America, not watching any decent TV shows or sporting events, and having no medical insurance, then the Ku Klux Klan lifestyle is perfect for you. Just please do us all a favor and make it a point to not breed, okay? Thanks.

Josh Newell resides in Burbank, California. He is pierced in over 100 locations. He is the proprietor of Josh Newell Recordings and works as a recording engineer.


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