Published Monthly

Employees Needed: Proper Facial Hair Grooming a Must
April 2006

One of the banes of my existence is the fact that I can’t grow facial hair. It’s not particularly that I want a lot of facial hair. I have no real desire for a beard or sideburns or anything, but the option would be nice. I never get to participate in beard growing contests, and if I don’t shave, instead of looking tough with my fierce facial stubble, I just look like I have dirt on my face.

But while I’ve not tried to grow one since I was fifteen (give me a break, I went to high school in Alabama at the time, and that’s a happening look for high school sophomores in Alabama), I’m fairly confident that I could grow a mustache.

However, I can’t really think of a good reason for growing one. Not only am I told that it’s not really a fashionable move in this day and age, I don’t feel I have the correct look or am in the correct profession for a mustache. I will explain.

In today’s modern world of technology where you can make amateur pornography with your cell phone and make cars fly (the government’s keeping them under wraps), there are claims that the mustache is a dying look. But there are those people who are keeping the look alive, and it’s not just guys who still drive El Caminos anymore.

Quick aside here: you know what I love about writing for publications like this? I can start sentences with conjunctions. I may even end some sentences with prepositions! Who knows? I’m a madman! Never forget that proper grammar is just another way for the man to keep you down.

Some professions practically dictate that you must have a mustache to be good at your trade. Let’s take a quick look at the options the mustached professional has in today’s job market:

You can’t talk mustaches without talking about pigs. And by “pigs” I mean the police. Not the good kind who sing about stalking (“I’ll be Watching You”) and pedophilia (“Don’t Stand so Close to Me”) or apparently enjoy multi-hour tantric sex with an ugly British woman (Sting), but the kind who are supposed to be there “to protect and serve.”

The police mustache seems to be on the decline, though. From what I understand, many of our nation’s police forces are now forbidden from having facial hair. I would research this fact, but the idea of reading articles about the dress codes for the nation’s police departments sounds about as much fun as gouging my eyes out with carrot sticks.

Soon the days of the cop ‘stache and oversized silver sunglasses will be gone. Then they might not even eat donuts anymore. Then what’ll happen to the donut shops? They’ll finally get robbed.

I’ve figured out whom to blame for the eventual downfall of the circular pastry industry: Erik Estrada.

That’s right, Erik Fucking Estrada (that’s his real middle name, mind you) and his work on “CHiPS.” I’m not going to place any blame on Larry Wilcox because no one really paid any attention to old Larry anyway.

Not only did Mr. Estrada not eat donuts (you can’t bulk up on sugary carbs and look good in those little pants of his), but he also didn’t have a mustache. That paved the way for the downfall of the cop mustache. And unfortunately, despite Chuck Norris’s efforts on Walker: Texas Ranger, the cop mustache may soon be extinct.

Thanks a lot, Erik Estrada. Way to ruin a facial hair stereotype. Now the only time we see police officers with mustaches is on “Reno 911” or “Super Troopers.” Now it’s an object of comedy. Way to go, you douche bag. Did you ever stop and think about how you ruined the lives of many an aspiring cop’s mustache. Now what profession can they enter where they’ll be given authoritative powers they can abuse?

Teaching gym class is an excellent opportunity to abuse the weak and maintain a mustache. It’s also the only time you can do something called a “squat thrust” around minors without getting arrested.

The best part, aside from the whistle and never having to wear anything other than sweat pants to work, is that you don’t even have to be in shape! That’s right! You can teach fitness to kids while being a complete lard-ass! That’s almost the equivalent of allowing the mentally handicapped to teach quantum physics!

This also presents the option of coaching, which is an excellent perk to being a gym teacher. So what if your career as an athlete failed? Who cares if you’re 150 pounds overweight, live with your mom, and sweat too much? You can vicariously re-live your glory years by making teenage athletes miserable.

Better yet, watch non-athletic kids lose their chance to ever have a low voice because of a “friendly” game of dodge ball. You’re practically getting paid to teach kids to maim each other! It’s like having your own little gladiators.

What a great job and no celebrity has ruined it yet. Hell, look at Bobby Knight. He was using racial slurs and throwing chairs at people and now he has his own television show! What a great career path!

So you don’t want to be in the same category as Bobby Knight. That’s understandable. Most people wouldn’t. Even given the rise in popularity in ethnic slurring and furniture tossing, most people don’t like negative press. Not to mention I’m willing to bet the guy has prostate problems… or at least hemorrhoids.

But you still want the glory and the thrill of victory, right? There’s a simple solution: become a superstar in some “sport” where the bulk of the fan base is redneck.

Don’t believe me? Who was the greatest NASCAR driver of all time? Dale Earnhardt. And do you know why? He sported a mustache! Dale Earnhardt, Jr.? Oh yeah, he’s good (I’m speculating on all this, by the way--I don’t really follow NASCAR), but he’s not as good as his dad. Know why? No mustache!

Still doubt the power of the mustache when it comes to “sports” deemed most likely to entertain Jeff Foxworthy fans? How about Hulk Hogan? Greatest wrestler to ever… well, he’s just the greatest wrestler ever!

Think about it! He’s over six feet tall. He’s well over 200 pounds. Arms the size of most men’s legs, and what does he do for a living? He “wrestles,” which is basically very muscular grown men, in skimpy tights, all oiled up and sweaty, grappling with each other. All the while other “straight” men watch them, drink beer, and get excited.

Now, I realize I’ve just painted a very homoerotic picture here, and we’ll get to that in a moment (for those of you who can’t wait that long, just skip to the next possible job description). Normally, this is the type of activity that would get you beat up in the Deep South, but not Hulk Hogan. He’s idolized. He’s made millions doing this, and it’s all because of his mustache.

Seriously, the man wears yellow spandex underwear with yellow knee-high boots and a headband, rips his shirt off whenever confronted with another man in similar garb, and refers to himself as “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan. Gay as gay can be, but throw in the mustache, and he’s a pillar of masculinity.

Maybe wrestling isn’t homoerotic enough for your tastes. Maybe after reading those last two paragraphs, you’ve realized that your fondness for the WWF really stems from your latent homosexuality. But maybe you’re not athletically inclined, but you crave fame, the adoration of young men, and have a mustache. What do you do?

You join the Village People! All the fame and homosexual content of professional wrestling with none of the physical injuries, and you have to have a mustache (unless you’re playing the part of the Indian/ Native American)!

What’s not to love about being a Village Person? Is there a downside to assless leather chaps? I think not! Not to mention, your fan base will be made up of affluent, clean, well-dressed men!

But maybe that’s not your scene. Maybe you don’t like the YMCA, or perhaps you prefer the Army to the Navy.

If that’s the case, you can still be a successful mustached musician: Frank Zappa, Ted Nugent, Freddie Mercury, James Hetfield (by the way, when did Metallica start to suck? After James dropped his “righteous” mustache-beard thing. Coincidence? I think not), Books & Dunn, you name it… want fame? Get a mustache.

But what if you have a mustache, aren’t athletically or musically inclined, still you still crave some form of power and notoriety, but you don’t have a clean enough record to be a cop?

You should be a child molester.

Look, I know this isn’t something your high school guidance counselor ever would’ve suggested, but what did your high school guidance counselor know? You really want to take career advice from someone who ended up as a guidance counselor?

I’m probably losing some of you on this one. I’m not endorsing child molestation. That would be “just plain wrong” (as the kids say these days), and if there’s anything you should know about me, it’s that I’m never wrong. I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

Child molestation is simply another career option for men (or women, for that matter) who simply can’t part ways with their mustache. As a matter of fact, oftentimes in mullet lore the presence of an accompanying mustache is referred to as a “child molester mustache.” So if your hairstyle could be described as “business in the front, party in the back,” this is definitely the career for you.

Here are the perks: you’re never going to get bored at a child’s birthday party, bar mitzvah, school play or athletic event. There’s no special training required. You keep your own hours and are your own boss. Vacation as much as you want and feel free to wear whatever you want to “work.”

To boot, you can chose your own style: internet sites, child abduction, underage polygamy, just being that creepy 21 year-old who still dates high school girls go nuts. No one’s going to tell you how to be the child molester you want to be.

There are quite a few drawbacks as well: scorn from your neighbors, family, local law enforcement, etc if they find out what you’re doing. Pedophilia tends to rate somewhere in the neighborhood of beastiality on the list of things most people disapprove of.

Truth be told, it’s more than frowned on; it’s illegal. I think there are still places in rural Mississippi where it’s okay, but only if the minor is somehow related to you. Anyway, you’re looking at a life of being a fugitive from the law if you really go through with this.

Another thing to take into consideration: you don’t tend to make much money as a child molester, and it’s definitely not a profession you want to write down on your tax returns. There are a few professions that you could look into while maintaining this career: circus clown, junior high school teacher, or priest (what? You knew that joke was coming… just so I don’t offend everyone, I think this only works if you’re Catholic) all come to mind. However, these jobs require additional training, and the lack of required training, as I mentioned before, is one of the perks of child molestation.

So there you have it. The mustache isn’t dead. It isn’t dying, it’s becoming a more selective look for professionals working in specific fields.

There are more options available to the mustached percentage of the population: Yosemite Sam impersonator, profane black comedian (Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Steve Harvey’s mustache is amazing. Have you ever really looked at it?), militant German dictator, Monopoly banker impersonator…

The list could go on and on. Your career choices are limited only by your imagination and your lack of taste. May the force be with you… always.

Josh Newell resides in Burbank, California. He is pierced in over 100 locations. He is the proprietor of Josh Newell Recordings and works as a recording engineer.


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