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Movie Star Charms Local Boy out of Heterosexuality
March 2006

I am not gay.

Not that I felt that any of you, my dear readers, were accusing me of being a homosexual, but I felt it best that I make that fact clear. I wanted to get it out in the open, up front, before you continue reading this.

Since the dawn of man (on the sixth day of creation, of course. Although it wasn’t until the “fourth day” that God commanded, “Let lights appear in the sky to separate day from night and… show the time when days… began." Interesting, no?), human males have taunted each other with accusations of being “gay,” a “fag,” or “cock-gobbler.”

Wow, three paragraphs in, and I’ve already used a noun and a verb form of the word “accuse.” Too bad that thesaurus is waaayyyy over there, and besides, who needs synonyms anyway?

Where was I? Ah yes, early man and his love for homosexual-based humor. Unbeknownst to most historians, this was the real reason Cain killed Abel. Contrary to popular opinion, Cain wasn’t jealous of Abel’s sacrifice and the fact that he was God’s homey.

Cain, Abel, and Yahweh had been at this house party the weekend before, drinking forties and hitting on some Old-Testament ho’s while playing a game of pool. Cain missed an easy shot, and Abel made a comment along the lines of, “I thought you were good at getting balls in your hole,” or something to that effect. Biblical Hebrew slang doesn’t always translate exactly. Anyway, God, Abel, and the ho’s had quite a laugh at Cain’s expense, and Cain swore revenge. You probably know the rest.

But now we’re way off of topic.

For thousands of years, calling someone, or something, “gay” has been accepted as a standard insult (typically resulting in a score of three out of a possible five on the logarithmic metric “Diss Scale”).

So common is the practice, that now other species of animals have picked up on the insult. Ornithologists in southern Mississippi have recently recorded male mockingbirds… well, mocking other males of the species by copying their flying patterns in what can only be described as a “limp-wristed” manner. They also perch next to other males and act like they enjoy laying eggs and building nests.

More surprisingly, biologists in the UK have found claimed that they have actually observed parameciums refer to each other as “fairy boys.” This is astounding, as not only are parameciums single-celled organisms that are typically unable to speak, but they are also asexual.

The fact of the matter is all men have some percentage of their sexual being that is gay. It’s not a gay or straight, black or white topic. Instead, homosexuality (or heterosexuality) can be measured on a gradient scale. The same goes true for women, but all men are aware of this in womankind. Varying degrees of homosexual tendencies in women have been well documented in films on both the Showtime and Cinemax cable network stations (typically, late at night).

As a matter of fact, I will now turn to Hollywood to prove to you my theory that all men are somewhat gay.

At this point, you’re all expecting me to mention Top Gun, which would be a valid film to add to this list… if it were less subtle. I would like to go on record as saying Top Gun is one of the gayest films of all time. Don’t agree? Watch the beach volleyball sequence again. Go ahead, you can go watch it and come back to finish this article. I won’t mind.

See? Now, while I will concede that Top Gun is a gay film, it doesn’t bring out a man’s inner homo with the same degree of subtlety that the movies I’m about to list do.

Not to mention, it stars Tom Cruise, a.ka. the creepiest Scientologist since L. Ron Hubbard, and those cultists really creep me out so we’re not going to talk about it anymore. To boot, Tom’s not really one of those guys that anyone really lusts after anymore.

So instead of naming films that are full of gay overtones, I instead am going to point out particular roles, and very masculine ones, that secretly make all men question their inner sexuality.

Before we continue with my examples, I must warn both my male and female readers to read ahead with caution. If you feel that you--or the man in your life--are easily swayed when it comes to the topic of truly lusting after another man’s erection, you may want to stop reading now. For those of you who are of a sturdier frame of mind, please read on… if you dare!

EXAMPLE 1: Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden in Fight Club (1999), directed by David Fincher, originally written by Chuck Palahniuk (an admitted homosexual and brilliant author). As any woman or gay man will tell you, Brad Pitt is what is commonly referred to as being a “fine piece of work.”

Mr. Pitt’s good looks are well documented. He has won People magazine’s “Most Beautiful Man Alive” Award, I believe. I’m honestly not 100% sure on that one, as I don’t really follow People magazine.

Regardless, Mr. Pitt’s beauty aside, he doesn’t normally make most men question their inner love of “the vag.” However, as Tyler Durden, he’s very high on the “I Wonder if I’m Gay?” scale.

And I can name this question down to the very scene: it’s the very first official shot of a fight club going down in the bar basement. Pitt’s character has just finished pounding some unnamed character into a pulp, and he stands up, sweaty and bleeding, directly under a beam of light.

You know the shot. Everyone knows the shot. You’ve probably commented aloud about how “buff” or “ripped” he looks when you watch the film.

Pitt’s appeal in the film, aside from his good looks and impressive physique, is that he is playing the role of the ideal alpha male. As a matter of fact, that’s the point of his role. He’s tough, intelligent, good-looking, independent, a leader, and well, an alpha male.

EXAMPLE 2: Sean Connery as John Patrick Mason in The Rock (1996), directed by Michael Bay (Hollywood’s leading candidate in the contest to be the next Jerry Bruckheimer).

I suppose most people consider his stint as James Bond to be Mr. Connery’s prime years as a sex symbol. I would disagree. Despite the fact that he’s bound to have “old man balls,” Connery appears to be like a fine wine: better with age.

In The Rock, he stars as an ass-kicking former British special-ops agent who is the only person to ever escape Alcatraz. The FBI releases him to help break into “The Rock” to stop a renegade group of former marines from launching a chemical weapons attack on San Francisco.

Ridiculous premise, I know, but it does make for an excellent action movie. A grandiose car chase sequence involving a Hummer (the all-terrain vehicle, not a blow job), a Ferrari, a San Fran trolley car, and a few dozen police cars later, and most guys are (secretly) ready to let the former Bond, James Bond, hump their mouths.

This geriatric sex-bomb then whips more ass in the last forty-five minutes of the flick than Stephen Segal has in his entire career. And to be honest, he looks good doing it.

Not to mention, he’s breaking into Alcatraz via a helicopter, submarine, and the ability to make his way through flame throwers and large imposing gears.

Connery’s appeal in the film? Not only has he aged well, which is something most men can (and do) only dream of, he can still kick some ass. He’s not worried about prostate cancer, incontinence or erectile dysfunction; he’s still a man’s man.

EXAMPLE 3: Rick Moranis as Wayne Szalinksi in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989), directed by… well, I already looked up the name of Moranis’s character on, and I don’t feel like going back to check and see who directed it. It doesn’t matter who did. The directors of all those live-action pre-teen Disney movies are all interchangeable anyway.

Why bother explaining Moranis’s (homo)sexual appeal? It’s painfully obvious, isn’t it?

I’d venture he’s the most obvious addition to the list. Aside from his amazing good looks, the Szalinski character has a beautiful wife, a dog who understands English, and he built a fucking shrink ray that operates on a fucking LASER BEAM!

All men get off on building and/or repairing things. That’s why we buy toolkits, have workbenches, tinker on shit in our garages, even if we have no idea how to fix anything. We get off on it.

And Moranis? He built something with a LASER beam. It’s beyond words how homoerotically appealing that is. Most men get an erection just thinking about the concept of it.

So there you have it, if you’re a male reading this, you are now aware of you inner gay boy. Ladies, watch these three movies with that special man in your life and see if he doesn’t want a little anal action during sex tonight, maybe a finger in the rectum. Just you wait and see.

And by the way, to any lesbians reading this, please let me know (via the Antimuse message board) how these roles affect you. I assure you this is for research purposes only.

Josh Newell resides in Burbank, California. He is pierced in over 100 locations. He is the proprietor of Josh Newell Recordings and works as a recording engineer.


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