From the Editor (March 2007)
by Michael Haislip

I’m too depressed to write a column this month, so instead I present the following retelling of classic jokes as if written by famous authors.

Kurt Vonnegut:

Kilgore Trout’s stories mainly appeared in the types of bus station beaver magazines that made one question whether man had ever bothered to evolve at all. And so it goes as Trout thumbed through the December issue of American Cooter to see how the editors mangled the ending of his story, ‘Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?” Why did it? Why, who cares?

Tom Clancy:

AWACS over Tel Aviv had just forwarded the spotter observations to USCENTCOM, where the analysts busily sorted through the data.

“Analysts, I need to know what the situation is in that bar,” commanded the General.

“Well, sir,” answered Jack Ryan, “we know that the priest is a regular there, but we still don’t know why he entered with the rabbi.”

Franz Kafka:

One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from passing out in a bar booth, he discovered that in he had been changed into a monstrous grasshopper. He lay on his armour-hard back and saw, as he lifted his head up a bartender.

“Hey, fella,” said the bartender, “you know we’ve got a drink named after you.”

“Oh, you have a drink named absurd existentialist metaphor?”

James Frey:

“Knock, knock,” I said.

“Who’s there?” she asked.

“A man with a troubled past.”

Addendum: I may have slightly exaggerated my past experiences.

Allright, I’m out of here. Tip your waitress. If you guys come up with any more, post them on our discussion board.

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In lieu of flowers, he asks that you send alcohol.