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I'm Going to Administrate the Bejesus Out of Some Shit Today
by Steve Dupont

Believe it or not, this same time yesterday morning I was feeling burned out on my job--that is, my job as administrative assistant to the senior divisional vice president of a major insurance company. It's the reinsurance division, meaning we insure other insurance companies. Don't ask me how it works. Anyway, I had an onset of "the dread" yesterday morning, you know, that feeling of futility, hopelessness and desperation that comes with being stuck in a job outside your preferred field--in my case, parade route planning--but I attended this fabulous motivational seminar from 2-4 P.M., and it really kicked ass!

In fact, the seminar was called "Kick Morass," which of course is a double entendre and so very clever and the speaker was sharp as a tack. Even sharper! What's sharper than a tack? I'll tell you what, a filament of copper wire, like the kind used in speaker wire. Ever get pricked by that? It hurts like the dickens! This guy, Richie Carr, was a former linebacker for the Cleveland Browns (that's my team!) and boy did he bring some energy! Dawg Pound baby! He went around to each of the team members individually and asked them what their job was, and I'm still pumped up just thinking about how he flexed his muscles and pointed in my face and said, "Get your game face on, son! This team can't win without an administrative assistant, because you're the oil that keeps the machine running! So you're gonna go out there tomorrow and administrate the bejesus out of some shit! Understand?!" It was so fucking awesome.

He was so right. I am the fucking oil that keeps this machine running. After all, who else knows how to use the postage meter? Who else knows all the people to call in payroll and HR when shit needs to get done? Who else is the paper de-jamming meister? No-fucking-body, that's who. I'm the man! And today is the day I start kicking morass! From now on we're going to be the tightest-run ship in the whole company, and it all starts with the little things. Laser-printed labels on all file folders and mailboxes. Snazzy new templates for memos, faxes and all intra-office correspondence. A supply closet that will remain neat and tidy like grandma's fucking cupboard!

What's more, I'm going to be all about stepping up morale, which was the second half of Richie's catch phrase. "Kick morass and step up morale" is what he said, which, again, is so clever and insightful because kicking and stepping are both actions you perform with your feet. And there was even a third part where Richie said, "It's about accountability, people. If you see someone not giving 200 percent, you tell them they can walk right out the door!" Which was pretty awesome, too, on so many different levels, because he hit the nail on the head one more time. 100 percent isn't enough any more - maybe 10 years ago but not today, uh-uh, no way Jack. 110 percent isn't even enough, despite what the purveyors of sports drinks will have you believe. The best will accept nothing less than 200.

Well, if I don't get going I'm going to miss the bus, and lateness will not be tolerated in our new organization. Wish me luck! I'm off to change the world--one paperclip and yellow sticky note at a time.

P.S.--Don't forget! April 21 is Administrative Professionals Day, so show your appreciation with a card and/or small gift!


Steve Dupont is a liar and a charlatan and is not to be trusted. His multifarious (and nefarious) mediums of propaganda include The Obtuse Angle podcast, The Nate & Di Show and stevedupont.com. Hes currently up to no good in Birmingham, Alabama.

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