From the Editor (June 2006)
I took up a new hobby.
The choice was difficult. Do I take up fishing, or do I pick up a vicious meth habit? With fishing, I could easily spend a lot of money on gear, travel expenses, and beer, the official energy drink of BassMasters. With meth, I could easily spend lots of money on something that would guarantee a high while avoiding the risk of a rusty fishhook in my septum.
Ah, the eternal question: tetanus or tweaking, I mused.
In the end, I found myself with a cheap fishing pole in one hand and a tackle box in the other.
For those who haven’t heard me lament, let me say that fishing is not my forte. I haven’t caught a fish in over a decade, despite numerous attempts. My total fish count during my twenty-five years on this planet is 2. If I were a baseball player, I would have a batting average hovering just above zero. I’d be sent back down to the minor leagues, where they’d openly mock me before sending me down to little league. Before the pre-pubescent punks could call me names, though, I’d beat one of them with a bat and make an example of him. What’s the matter, kids? Where’s your spirited chant of “easy out” now?
Whenever I mention my predicament, the unsolicited advice flows.
“What are you using for bait?” they always ask.
“Well, I’ve tried live bait, artificial lures, and a little thing I like to call ‘here fishy fishy.’”
“How’s that work?”
“I repeatedly say ‘here fishy fishy’ in a strange voice until someone calls the cops.”
“Here’s some advice. Quit talking to me.”
No matter what advice I receive, I just can’t break this slump. Perhaps I should have chosen that meth habit. I hear it’s sweeping the nation, much like the Charleston (what a crazy dance). Nevertheless, it looks like the only fish in my frying pan will be from a can.
Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In lieu of flowers, he asks that you send alcohol. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.
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