Published Monthly



From the Editor (May 2006)
by Michael Haislip

We operate on three maxims here at AntiMuse. First, deadlines are merely guidelines to be ignored at will. Second, the words “drinking” and “masturbation” can be found in 95% of online fiction. Lastly, old people have cool stories, often involving drinking and masturbation. It’s true. Old people, whom I’ve since learned prefer the label Near-Death-American, are full of delightful tales of bravery, adventure, and prunes. Yes, I went with the prune joke, and I’d do it again if I had to.

I wanted to test my theory, so I consulted a local expert, the creepy old guy in front of the elementary school who leers at the girls.

“Hello, sir,” I said. “Would you be so kind as to regale me with tales of your wild youth?”

He looked at me, as if the removing the cobwebs from decades of memories, I could feel the stories beginning to form in his mind. Yes, regale me, Near-Death-American, before your tales are lost to the grave!

“Well,” he answered, “I do recall a time or two when I got kicked in the skull by a mule.”

“Wha...huh?”

“Yep. Kicked in the head. By a mule. Good times, those were. Now, you’d best be gettin’ on. You blockin’ my viewings.”

In retrospect, perhaps old people aren’t that interesting. Revised maxim: old people are generally older than young people. There, that’s better. Now, time to work on my story about drinking and masturbation.


Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In lieu of flowers, he asks that you send alcohol. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.

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