Published Monthly

From the Editor (April 2006)
by Michael Haislip

I’ve been on a mission the past few months to find the perfect quotable song lyric, the one line that is appropriate to say for every situation. At first, I thought I had it figured out.

“Even white boys got to shout, baby’s got back,” I said.

“Michael, I don’t think that’s appropriate for an eulogy,” said the minister.

Thus, the search continued.

“Sir, you were doing 70 in a 45,” said the officer.

“But I did not shoot the deputy,” I retorted.

My attempts were foiled again. I was becoming desperate to find the Golden Lyric. I ceased all activities of my normal life—eating, bathing, painting acrylic MacGyver portraits—and spent days in pursuit of my prey. Then, one glorious day, a beam of light shone from the heavens and illuminated the Holy Grail. Yes, I am referring to the classic Grandmaster Flash song, The Message, specifically the chorus:

Don't push me 'cuz I'm close to the edge
I'm trying not to lose my head
Uh huh ha ha ha
It's like a jungle sometimes
It makes me wonder how I keep from goin' under

I hypothesize that these five lines can be broken down and used to have entire conversations. I conducted preliminary field tests last week and results were excellent.

Guy: “Hey, Mike, how’s it going?”

Me: “I’m trying not to lose my head.”

Guy: “Having a bad day?”

Me: “I’m close to the edge.”

Guy: “Oh, I hope things get better. Say, how about that humidity?”

Me: “It’s like a jungle sometimes.”

Guy: “I hear you, Mike. Did you hear that funny joke about the blond?”

Me: “Uh huh. Ha ha ha.”

Guy: “These gas prices are outrageous, aren’t they, Mike?”

Me: “It makes me wonder how I keep from going under.”

Guy: “Anyway, I meant to ask you if you’d loan me a few bucks for gas.”

Me: “Don’t push me.”

I believe this discovery will be my greatest contribution to humanity, and I hope all of my readers accept Grandmaster Flash into their hearts. For now, though, I must finish my latest painting, entitled "Still Life of MacGyver with Duct Tape." Uh huh ha ha ha.

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In lieu of flowers, he asks that you send alcohol. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.


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