From the Editor (March 2006)
by Michael Haislip

Belated Movie Reviews of Cinemax After Dark, Circa 1999

Sex Files: Alien Erotica
Tagline: Where the erogenous zone meets the twilight zone!

In this X-Files parody film, an alien fungus turns women into nymphomaniacs. It was this movie that cemented Kira Reed as the Queen of Skinemax. It also introduced American audiences to the Japanese custom of botany porn. In fact, the final scene is a throbbing orgy of arborial lust, with Kira Reed chained to a cave wall while various evergreens have their way with her. This movie broke little new ground in the erotic botany sub-genre, but it did give the stagehand a cool story to tell at the bar.

“I watched Robert DeNiro snort a gram on the set.”

‘That’s nothing. I molested Kira Reed with a tree root.”

“Touché, my friend. Touché.”

***

Virtual Encounters
Tagline: Intense... Erotic... Interactive...

If my memory serves, this movie’s premise was basically, “What if the Star Trek holodeck was purchased by Cinemax?” That’s great and all, but I would have preferred the premise, “What if the Enterprise were infested with clothes-dissolving nanobots?”

This one features future hardcore porn star Taylor St. Clair and some other actresses who were probably compensated in kilos.

***

Lolita 2000
Tagline: The forbidden stories

I’ll be honest. I don’t remember anything about this movie, so I’ll just make up something. Here we go....

Humbert Humbert awakes from cryo-sleep in the year 2000, where Earth is engaged in a war with evil Scientologists from the plant Xenu. Humbert aids the Earth cause by constructing several Lolita-Bots who, when the need arises, combine into a giant robot called Lolita 2000. Sexy shenanigans ensue.

Actually, that was too good of a plot for Cinemax, so I’ll just keep it for myself. I think I should give DeNiro a call and see if he wants on board this project. It has “Best Film” written all over it.

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In lieu of flowers, he asks that you send alcohol. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.