Published Monthly

From the Editor (November 2005)
by Michael Haislip

It was early afternoon in the AntiMuse offices when my dear contributing editors, Matthew “artist formerly known as r.thomas but normally called Bob” Dickens and Jeremy Hallmark, approached my desk as I was hacking away at this month’s issue.

“Michael, we feel that AntiMuse is not publishing enough obtuse poetry,” they both said.

I finished off my gin and tonic and swiveled around to face them. “Not enough obtuse poetry? I’ve published you several times this year, Bob, and I really don’t think it gets more obtuse than your work.”

Jeremy answered my rebuttal. “Yes, I concur that Bob is less than clear in his poetic imagery, but surely you can find others who are even more vague in their metaphors.”

I put my hand to my chin in my best The Thinker pose, and thought to myself. You know, as much as I like poetry that makes no sense without the aid of fungi, I really don’t care. Man, if they only knew that I use this pose when I’m adjusting my underwear...

I emerged from my deep thoughts. “Let’s try a little experiment,” I conjectured. “I’m going to recite some obtuse poetry, and you tell me what it’s about. Deal?”

“It’s a deal,” they both agreed.

“OK. Here we go:

sophie’s lie turns rancid
in lieu of
clean loo
lou albano’s rubber band
is playing at
the Crab Shack tonight

“Now, what was that about?” I asked

“It’s about dishonesty during sex,” Bob answered.

“It’s about the fleeting nature of romance,” answered Jeremy.

I frowned. “No, no, no. It’s about former WWF superstar Captain Lou Albano’s seafood restaurant, Captain Lou’s Crab Shack. The house band is the Rubber Band, and Sophie’s rancid lie refers to his wife Sophie, who lied about cleaning the damn bathroom.”

They both stared at me, their mouths agape.

“Now, back to the salt mines!” I commanded as I cracked my oft-used bullwhip against their pasty flesh. “Damn kids,” I muttered as thy stumbled back into the AntiMuse Strip Mines. “No respect for old school wrestling.”

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.


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