January 2006 | Published Monthly



College: the "Great" American Institution
by Josh Newell


This piece originally appeared in American Assassin magazine, circa 1997. Small editorial changes have been made to protect humanity from evil.


Due to popular demand, and empty space that needs filling, Michael requested that I write a sequel to my smash-hit 1997 article, "Christmas Shopping Is Communistic" (actually, I have no idea if was indeed a "hit" or not; the Feds cut off all mail to "the compound" ... Michael, where are those supplies you promised? We're having to ration the grits ... please send ammo ... anything!). Anyway, so now I'm here to "dispel" the many "myths" about our "great" nation's "higher learning institutions" and to "use" lots of what I "like" to call "official-looking quotation marks."

Five out of every five students in America "plan" to either "go to college" or to "go find something else to do with `their time,'" but only four-and-a-half out of every nine-and-two-thirds students actually "attend" college (This is not an "actual fact;" I just like using "complex fractions." It's a lot more "impressive-sounding" than using "regular fractions," and they go well with the "official-looking quotation marks" - "style is everything, baby."). These students move their "belongings" to a "campus" that is often far from their "homes" to "engross" themselves in their "studies." There they "live" in what are called "dorms" and return "home" ocassionally (for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Elvis's Birthday, Easter, Grandma's parole hearing, etc.). Everything's "hunky-dory" and "normal," or is it?

Well, the answer's "no" (because if it were "yes," I wouldn't have anything to write about). Colleges are, in fact, exactly the same as mental asylums and prisons! . . . No, wait, that's not "extreme" enough: colleges are mental asylums/prisons! "What are you talking about?" you ask? Well, read these "interesting" comparisons:

1. Location

Most students go to "colleges" that are beyond "normal walking distances" from their "homes." The same goes for prisons and asylums: the "reason" being, "of course," is to keep the "inmates" away from "society." Most people have no problems with this since most people have "problems" "coping" with those who are not quite "mentally stable." And I assure you , if there were ever any three groups that could be "considered" not "mentally stable," they would be prisoners, psychiatric inmates, and college students (there is a fourth group that has no collective label, but it consists of people who enjoy watching Full House, Family Matters, Mama's Family, and America's Funniest Home Videos, but the members of this group tend to overlap with the previously listed three.).

2. Living conditions

Prisoners and mental patients "reside" in what are called "cells." There they "live" in a small "room" with at least one other person, are forced to "eat" cafeteria-style "food," and are subjected to the always traumatic "community bathrooms." Need I "deliberate" on this "topic" further, or are you beginning to "catch my drift?"

3. Activities

The third and final "topic" for "comparison" is to the daily "acticvities" of our three groups. Prisoners and mental patients "spend" the "majority" of their "days" doing "menial tasks" such as the following: laundry, receiving counseling, making license plates (imagine the number of "jobs" that could be "created" if "the general public" were allowed to do this "task" instead), "walking around" the prison "yard," electric shock therapy, and the like. Students too have "tasks" they "engage" in: laundry, receiving counseling, making fake licenses, "walking around" the campus "yard," electric shock therapy (from "licking" nine-volt batteries), etc. Are you " noticing" some "similarities" here? Coincidence? I "think" not.

In "conclusion," referring to colleges as "higher learning facilities" is about as "acurate" as referring to Richard Simmons as "the sexiest man alive." "We," as"Americans," have been forced to "swallow." The only solution: never leave home after graduating high school (if you can even "pull" graduating "off"). Not only will you feel "safer" and more "comfortable" in these, your "familiar surroundings," but your "home" is also more easy to "fortify" against "the Man" (and your "mother's" probably a better "cook" than those cafeteria "ladies" as well). So remember, "college" is really a government "project" to treat you like a "criminal," and "'ignorance' is indeed `bliss.'"


Josh Newell is pierced in over 100 locations.

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