From the Editor (April 2005)
by Michael Haislip

Here in the hinterlands of Tennessee, we have a cultural phenomenon known to the outside world as the “redneck bar,” a mystical place where the beer is cheap and teeth are at a premium.

The typical redneck bar patron is a male, age 25 to 60, wearing raggedy blue jeans, a trucker cap, and a flannel shirt that reeks of bacon grease and Old Spice. The male will sometimes bring his significant other with him to celebrate special occasions, such as anniversaries, birthdays or NASCAR races.

I bring the topic up because my dear contributing editor, r.thomas, has been luring me to such establishments with increasing frequency.

“Hey, Michael,” he’ll tease, “I’m going to the redneck bar to preach racial tolerance and proper dental hygiene.”

“Oh, joy,” I’ll respond. “I’ll have a swell time watching you get pummeled.”

In reality, his mission is to swill draft Bud Light while forcing me to listen to country music. He’s a devious bastard, but it won’t happen again. I have a plan ...

OPERATION: Jukebox Jumble

MISSION: Replace all local jukebox song selections with the Fifth Dimension’s “Age of Aquarius”

WEAPONS: Moon in the second house, Jupiter aligning with Mars

SECONDARY OBJECTIVES: Secure pickled egg container

Should my plan succeed, the patrons should flee in terror, leaving the bar under Allied control. My super-computer simulations yield promising results, with only minimal casualties to quality beer.

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.