Published Monthly

From the Editor (January 2005)
by Michael Haislip

I received some unsolicited advice from friends. “Hey, Mike, why don’t you go back to college?” they suggested.

“Hey, random acquaintance, why don’t I give you thousands of dollars in exchange for fancy parchment? I’d come out just the same.”

I went to sleep that night, but ethereal voices haunted my dreams.

Charles Nelson Riley ... you bet your sweet bippy ... Gene Rayburn ...

I awoke with a shudder and vowed to never again fall asleep while Match Game ’77 was blaring on television. After I returned to slumber land, the ghosts of the college establishment possessed my soul and inflicted great torture upon my psyche.

you are a drop-out...only losers quit college...good luck finding a’ll never get laid again...uh...wait ...hmm...sorry, lost my train of spectral thought there...oh suck big donkey balls

The next morning I awoke with fire in my soul and something sticky on my pillowcase (these may or may not be related). I stepped outside, and I let the sunlight cascade onto my face. I took a deep breath, and I got real high, and I yelled, “what’s going on?” Then I started my own college.

I am proud to announce the formation of College University. College U will combine the best of the academic world with the worst of a spring break whiskey bender. CU is the last, best hope for academia. Also, I figure I’ll make a nice chunk of change from the tuition, but the real money is in licensing the footage from our hidden shower cameras. Oh yeah!

College University ... where the future can always be put off until tomorrow.

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.


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