Published Monthly

From the Editor (November 2004)
by Michael Haislip

(Note: This is a rough transcript of Michael's concession speech given at the Waffle House in Florence, Alabama. Several members of the media were present, though it is not known whether they were covering the speech or just ordering hash browns.)

My fellow Scandinavians:

It is time to admit defeat. My presidential quest has failed. It’s over. I’m sorry for being a loser.

While it is true that the Michael Haislip/Yakov Smirnoff ticket received fewer votes than Gary Coleman, there are still many positive aspects about this dismal failure. One positive was the lack of tuberculosis cases among our campaign staff (only three cases were reported; way to go, guys!). Our supporters may also take solace in strong liquors. I certainly will be.

We waged a valiant campaign. Let no one forget that. No other candidates stood against the evils of Bermuda grass. No other candidates vowed to ban midget civil unions. No other candidates supported a National Farm Animal Day. We fought the good fight.

We will still fight on in other venues to pursue our vision for America. Our expensive, blood-sucking attorneys have already filed numerous lawsuits in the states of Florida and Ohio claiming that supporters of our campaign, such as the recently deceased and several mammalian species, were denied access to polling stations. We will not stand for this.

To the Hoboken Senior Citizen’s Knitting Club, our biggest campaign contributors, I say this. The money raised by your pancake breakfasts helped us to buy a newspaper this morning so we could learn that we were only on the ballot in Guam. Thank you, Hoboken.

Finally, to the dear readers of AntiMuse, I ask that you refrain from violence and rioting. I ask that you cease your assaults upon our nation’s elderly. Please, accept defeat with dignity. Please, give me a dollar.

Though our campaign has crashed and burned like so many TWA flights, I have hope that our country will walk the path of prosperity and peace until the end of time. Or until that massive asteroid obliterates all life in the year 2012. Whichever comes first.

Thank you. And tip your waitress.

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.


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