Bush Writes a Novel
by Barrett Brown
Chapter One: A Dangerous Mission
President Gus McAwesome stood in the Oval Office looking out the Oval Window, his steady gaze steadfast in its steadiness, his legs set apart and firmly planted to the ground like two plants planted in the ground. Two strong, firm cactuses. But without needles. Instead of needles, he had leg hairs.
He was standing there, thinking about big political issues, important things that matter to working families, things like laws, and the government, and gay people trying to marry each other in Iraq, when suddenly, the vice-president walked in, crying and cringing like usual. Like a big baby.
“Gus,” he squealed like a little girl, “it's the healthcare bill. It's being blocked in the House and I can't -”
Gus cut him off with a firm slap to the face.
“Damn it, Rick, can't you do anything by yourself? Do you need me to hold your hand through every piece of legislation we try to pass? You can't fall back on my political experience every time a problem comes up.”
“But – it's just that... sometimes I get so scared and confused.”
“Get out of my sight,” replied McAwesome, and with that he flung his Presidential Poncho over his shoulder, revealing the six-shooters tucked into his belt underneath. Vice-President Rick Reney ran out of the room screaming, then went off to the Lincoln Bedroom to go cry like a little baby and probably to think about being gay with another man and to change his baby diaper, because he was really just a big stupid baby who didn't know anything. A big, gay baby.
A few minutes later, Gus McAwesome put on his jetpack and flew out one of his cool secret passageways. He was headed to go address the House of Representatives, which was a really important government thing. It wasn't really a house, though; it was just called that, because back in the olden days that's what they used to call places where political people met to argue about laws. No one actually lived there. The other big meeting place for other political guys, the “Senate,” was just a made-up word.
Today, the House of Representatives was meeting on an aircraft carrier like it did every Tuesday. So while McAwesome was flying across America out towards the ocean, he looked down at the beautiful nation that the majority of voters had elected him to protect, and he thought to himself, “This is truly a Charge to Keep. I must stay the course, and I must continue to battle the Asses of Evil wherever they may be found, whether in Iraq, Iran, Syria, the Alaskan wildlife refuge, West Texas, the Ukraine, or Royal Dutch Shell headquarters. I owe it to all the members of my Texas Air Guard unit who were killed during Vietnam at the Battle of Laredo.” Thinking of that dark but heroic time, McAwesome absent-mindedly rubbed one of his battle scars from when the VC had cut him with their ninja swords and chop sticks before disappearing into puffs of smoke using their magical ninja powers.
Finally, President McAwesome arrived at the aircraft carrier, where all of the representatives were there trying to make laws. All the senators were there, too, because sometimes the buy-camera legislature meets together. Anyway, everyone was being unbold and partisan, especially the stupid Democrats. Ged Chinnedy was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and driving an ATV up and down the landing strip, running over female aides and then throwing their bodies into the ocean below. Dames Trafficant had escaped from prison and was stealing pens from the captain's office. Don Kerry was smoking marijuana and scratching out the word “God” from all the currency that he still had left after spending most of it on drugs, drugs he had bought from Gillary Pimpin, who was a senator even though she was a girl.
At first, no one noticed when President McAwesome landed on the carrier deck. So he pulled out his six-shooter and fired a warning shot into the air, and then fired another warning shot into Don Kerry.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and saluted the president (who is also called the commander-and-chief, because he's also head general of the army and plans all their battles). The marine band on deck started playing “Hell, it's the chief!”, which they always play when the president comes into a room or shoots something.
“Senators and senatas, representatives and girl representatives, I have come today because I want you to pass this healthcare bill and make it a law!” yelled President McAwesome in a bold and steadfast manner. “Our people need healthcare, and this law will make it illegal not to have it!”
“But we don't want to pass it!” yelled all the Democrats. “We hate God!”
It was a tough situation, but McAwesome resolved to be steadfast. He put the bill to a vote. And it passed, because there were only 12 Democrats there. All of the rest were in jail for sodomy or something. And later that day, President McAwesome captured Osama bin Laden through sheer steadfastness.
Barrett Brown is a freelance writer based in Austin.
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