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2004 Presidential Election Voter's Guide
by Michael Haislip
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George Bush
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John Kerry
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A twig
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| War in Iraq: |
Supports continuation of hostilities as long as God tells him
to |
Voted for attacking Iraq |
No opinion; too busy performing photosynthesis
to kill innocents |
| Legalization of marijuana: |
Fears the reefer |
Probably hit the bong in 'Nam, but patronizes
puritanical Americans by opposing legalization |
No opinion; too busy performing photosynthesis
to dictate what goes in others' bodies |
| Gay marriage: |
On a mission from God to wipe out the heathens |
Only supports hot lesbian unions because
America needs more girl-on-girl action |
No opinion; too busy performing photosynthesis
to legislate what people do with their genitals |
| Military service record: |
Washed out of the National Guard |
Killed babies in Vietnam |
No military service, but has a distinguished
record of producing breathable oxygen |
| War on Terrorism: |
Wishes to engulf American forces in a perpetual
war against an undefined enemy |
Wishes George Bush would pronounce "terrorism"
correctly |
Supports the struggle of all clorophyll-based
lifeforms everywhere |
Don't participate in the sham. Fuck the vote.
 Michael
Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he
published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine,
churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his
spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known
that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.
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