Published Monthly



2004 Presidential Election Voter's Guide
by Michael Haislip

 

George Bush

John Kerry

A twig

War in Iraq:
Supports continuation of hostilities as long as God tells him to
Voted for attacking Iraq No opinion; too busy performing photosynthesis to kill innocents
Legalization of marijuana: Fears the reefer Probably hit the bong in 'Nam, but patronizes puritanical Americans by opposing legalization No opinion; too busy performing photosynthesis to dictate what goes in others' bodies
Gay marriage: On a mission from God to wipe out the heathens Only supports hot lesbian unions because America needs more girl-on-girl action No opinion; too busy performing photosynthesis to legislate what people do with their genitals
Military service record: Washed out of the National Guard Killed babies in Vietnam No military service, but has a distinguished record of producing breathable oxygen
War on Terrorism: Wishes to engulf American forces in a perpetual war against an undefined enemy Wishes George Bush would pronounce "terrorism" correctly Supports the struggle of all clorophyll-based lifeforms everywhere

Don't participate in the sham. Fuck the vote.


Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.

 

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