Forget about Woodstock. Screw the Warped Tour. Move over Lilith Fair. There’s a new corporate-schilling rock festival in town -- Mikepalooza. That’s right. I now have my very own corporate rock festival, complete with high-paying sponsorships and overpriced concessions.

For years, I’ve wanted to take my punk/polka/jazz fusion band, Bleeding Accordions, on tour. My dream is to play for thousands of screaming fans while nubile young women throw their moistened panties at me, hoping to gain access to the crack-fueled after-show orgy in the hotel room. That would be the life. I now am one step closer to my grand hedonistic goal by launching this tour.

As the organizer of Mikepalooza, I’ll receive a major cut of the profits. So when you’re drinking that $8.00 bottled water, don’t feel cheated. Just think that you are helping me achieve my dream and funding my future heroin habit.

But for a minute, let’s forget about the obscene amounts of money I’ll be making and focus on the music. That’s what it’s all about, really. Nothing could be more pure than playing simply for the love of playing. It’s an ideal we musicians should strive for. Whenever I hear grating guitar riffs and ear-shattering feedback, I feel inspired knowing that artist loves his work, even if they only know three chords (two of which are "G").

So, who’s on the lineup? At this stage, we’ve booked several high-profile acts. I can’t reveal the headliner, but let’s just say there will be muskrat love in the air that night. I can’t wait!

Mikepalooza will be my stepping stone to rock-and-roll stardom. I just have to sit back and watch the chicks flock to me. Now, I just need to learn how to play an instrument.

-- MJH 2004

Michael Haislip is the editor of AntiMuse. For 6 years, he published the cult favorite American Assassin magazine, churning out almost 1000 pages of commentary and humor in that span. In his spare time, Michael is a freelance writer and musician. He also wishes it known that he has the longest biography out of all the staff writers.